T-98.

I'm really stuck right now as to what I should write.  I've already been sitting here for twenty minutes or so, mind wandering in front of this blank text box.  So, instead of forcing, I'm just gonna give myself a(nother) night off.  I could definitely use the break to refocus and sort through.

Though, might I mention, less than 100 days to go.

And P.S., it's Brahms' birthday today.

Here we go, Day 267: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/26/items/Improv5712/20120507211957.mp3

Impression.

So the hour-long improv was truly exhausting.  I can only imagine how difficult it would be to perform it.  For someone listening to the whole thing, trying to absorb and understand the steps as they happened, was draining.  It is the same feeling as when you are focused on an intense conversation... you don't want to miss a word, and you're very involved intellectually and emotionally.

There were, of course, moments when I started to zone out, because it was all too much.  But when I jumped back in, it was easy to find my place and adjust to the new landscape.  Many kudos to Jesse, who has impressed me with, not only his playing, but his creativity, determination, and ambition as well.

As for my own improv, I kind of liked today's.  It sort of strikes me as a mishmosh of different elements which are appearing to define "my style."  A lot of impressionism, some Hungarian root-iness, and a smattering of Shostakovich.  It's not all that well organized, and often could've gone in alternate directions, but still... I kinda liked it despite all its imperfection.

Here we go, Day 263: https://ia800302.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv5312/20120503150026.mp3

Concern.

Tomorrow, I go to see Jesse perform the final hour-long improvisation of his latest project.  (One hour-long improv per week, for one year.)  I'm excited.  I know it's going to be good, and definitely give me some food for thought.  He's the one that inspired my whole project, so I can't help but feel at least a little invested in his.  And as he posts comments here and there about being both excited and sad as his year comes to a close, I wonder about what I'm going to do when my time is up.

August 15.  That's my day.  I've already thought about this.  But I still haven't concluded anything.  I don't know if I have the stamina to keep up this kind of work for another year, but I've been so utterly transformed that I feel it a terrible loss and shame to just stop.  Maybe a month long break, and then I should start something up again?

What will I do with my first day of freedom?  If I stop being held accountable, will I stop improvising?  Have I changed enough that this will just be a part of what I do, and not something that I struggle for?  (Still struggling, by the way.)
Some concerning questions, there.  And other unwritten questions, floating on by....

Here we go, Day 262: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv5212/20120502205149.mp3

May Day.

Lately, a feeling of tired, happy, restlessness.  Strain; ease; anxiety; burden; accomplishment; confusion; rapture; glee.  Close and far.

But caution to the wind, and lots of smiling and laughing, as I balance out priorities by putting beautiful days at the top of the list.  Knowing that my deadline to finish immediate duties is the moment that still saves a few hours of sun.  Course, that wasn't today, but... it's been in the recent past, and certainly in my long-term plan.


Here we go, Day 261: https://ia800307.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv43012/20120430211509.mp3


Falter.

You know... I've been kind of bummed lately, because I think my writing has been faltering.  I never expected this blog to become a catalyst for me to write again, but it really has, and I've disappointed myself by not having been very clever or creative over the past month or so.  And not just the writing, but the improvs, too.  I've been letting my comfort control the situation, and really just taking a back seat to whatever feels easy.  Is it possible that I'm running out of ideas?  Or is it just that my mind has been sidetracked?

In a lot of ways I feel like whatever it was that had been feeding me creatively toward the beginning of this project has disappeared.  It's a little bit scary.  And though I know this happens, and it's totally normal, I hate to think that all the florid and fantastical channels that I once danced around in with carefree curiosity, might now be shut off.  Maybe I'll never find those places again.  And that thought really inspires a feeling of loss.  Because some of those places made me feel euphorically happy just to daydream about them.  And if I can't reach them again?

Could it be that I'm getting tired of this project?  Certainly it has been a huge commitment; much more than I ever imagined.  But I am still trying, still wondering, still working to get somewhere.  Maybe I've lost sight of where I could be trying to go.  But... then again, I never knew exactly, or even generally where that might be.

Maybe this is just a lull.  There are usually lulls during journeys, right?  Yeah... I'm at one of those moments where I'd rather just stay in the hotel instead of going to explore the town.  I just need a little rest... then I'll be ready for more.  That must be it....

Here we go, Day 260: https://ia600307.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv43012/20120430211509.mp3

Risk.

I've been very aware that I have not been taking many (any) risks in my improvs.  At least not lately.  That really bugs me, because it's something I've always appreciated, and generally chastised when gone missing in performance.  I've never loved neat, perfectly ordered playing, unless it's neat, and perfectly ordered with a smear of unexpected danger and excitement.  Or if "neat and perfectly ordered" is ironically so, then that will work just fine, too.  But neat and ordered on its own is just dull.  So anyway, I'm bugged by my own self.  Not because I'm neat and ordered, but because I'm missing that element of risk.  You get it... I don't need to write on.

On the plus side, though, I've taken a couple of jazz lessons, and I think it might start to get me to focus on progressions a little better.  So far, my II-V-Is are pretty good.  ;)  Hopefully I will keep it up, and gather some momentum, and maybe, at some point soon, I'll know all my chord progressions so well, that I will be able to analyze, instantaneously, the funkiest chord I can muster.  And that is pretty funky.

Here we go, Day 259: https://ia600308.us.archive.org/31/items/Improv42912/20120429194550.mp3

Art.

I told my student the other day, that if she would not perform a piece, her artwork would not exist.  It made her realize how specialized and personal her ability is.  And every time I think of that concept, it blows my mind a little bit more.  Though this is applicable to absolutely anything, it fascinates me a lot with music in particular, given the temporariness of sound.  You know, that whole time element twists everything so splendidly.

Here we go, Day 258: https://ia600303.us.archive.org/23/items/Improv42812/20120428144959.mp3

Spawn.

Well, then.  A little more shameless self-promotion.  Since I'm eagerly anticipating my bed tonight, I'd rather not get wrapped up in a wonderful philosophical discussion at this point.  Instead, I'll tell you to watch the Lyra competition live stream tomorrow at 5pm EST.  I organized it, after all... so you know it's gonna be, if not completely awesome, at least a little quirky and amusing.  I'll be doing the public speaking, and that's generally endearing... also a hotbed of painfully unintentional Freudian slips and mumblerifficness.  Plus, two of my own students will be performing, and, well, anyone who teaches privately knows that, at some point, your students become your little surrogates.  Even if only for an hour a week.  I'm definitely bonded with these two.  So check it out!  They're my musical spawn.

http://lyrasummermusic.com/Lyra_Competition.html

Here we go, Day 257: https://ia600308.us.archive.org/26/items/Improv42712/20120427212726.mp3


Brains.

Leave it to a non-musician to remind me how hard I believe in my craft.  And all he had to do was be an imbecile.  Maybe that gives me more belief in humanity... if I were surrounded by people like this at every moment... but then... hmmm....

On another thought, I got to talking with someone about ergonomics in relationship to brain function and how that all connects with our muscles, fine motor skills versus broad gestures and so forth.  And I brought up the idea that, though we might perceive red as different colors, we define it the same way; and that, though our bodies might connect to our muscles differently, maybe they learn to function more or less the same way out of what we find necessary.  Well, this all became quite theoretical, because, as it turns out, scientists have studied very little of this, and really have no answers.  I mean, if the NYU department has no idea, then I can't expect much from elsewhere.  (If you've got something, then show it.  I want to know.)  But, really, honestly????  I want them to study me and my friends.  I want to know the details of how we move, and what our brains are doing as we do this crafty thing, which is pretty ridiculous, in terms of motor skill.  Are my brain waves like yours as we both play the same piece?  Is there a "right" way in terms of physical manipulation?

Fascinating.

Really.

It's pretty interesting being the artsy wild card at a neuroscientist party.

Here we go, Day 256: https://ia600303.us.archive.org/30/items/Improv42612/20120426213027.mp3

In lieu.

After a week or so, dawdling on this video project I've been putting together, I finally settled on just stringing a bunch of my old photographs and doing the whole Ken Burns (recommended) thing in lieu of actual video.  So one of my favorite improvs (from November 8) is now on youtube.  I don't know how many of these improvs I'll do this with, since I'm not attached to many (or most) of them like I am to Nov. 8, but we'll see.  I think it's probably a good idea to branch out in this way a little bit.  All the kids are doing it, anyway, and who am I to resist peer pressure?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jxko9eI4cMI

Today's improv seems heavily influenced by the video improv.  I think that probably happens often... influence from hearing something over and over again.  Even if the influence was mine to begin with.  So be it.

Before I got all wrapped up in this, I had planned on writing about one of my favorite topics.  But instead, I'll just throw out this phrase:

...the intensity of understanding...

Discuss.

Here we go, Day 255: https://ia600303.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv42512/20120425211745.mp3

Whim.

I've yet to discover the secret that some people possess, of being able to sit down to their instrument, and improvise something wonderful at whim.  Since I started this whole thing, there have been very few days where I've really felt like I had control over the artistic merit of what I was trying to do... and very many days where my total lack of focus produced exactly what I thought it would: total crap.  How do people do it?  When I'm exhausted, there's almost nothing I can attempt to pull my head into semblance.  Is there something I'm not catching on to?  Or is it more like the performance thing, where just being there onstage in front of an audience gives you that automatic ultra focus?  I wouldn't know the answer to that yet, since I've never actually improvised in front of people.  Anyone wish to weigh in?

Here we go, Day 254: https://ia600303.us.archive.org/32/items/Improv42412/20120424210358.mp3

Barometric pressure.

A one-off today.

Lots of creative juices flowing... got lots of work done.  However, an evening, weather-related (probably) headache prevented total artistic bliss.  What should've been a few hours of practicing is now an early night blog post, soon to be followed with a forced movie or something equally unproductive.  I kind of hate that.  If I'm lucky, my body will let me sleep at a reasonable hour, and I'll be able to do my work tomorrow.  Fingers crossed on that one.  I've got some ideas brewing, and if I don't get the ball rolling on them soon, I know they will fall to the wayside.

Here we go, Day 252: https://ia600307.us.archive.org/32/items/Improv42212/20120422181902.mp3


This is living.

Okay, so I blew off a lot of responsibilities today, but they were abstract, at best.  And today's experiences were well worth the procrastination.  Very, very well worth it.

Ooooh, I'm bubbling with new knowledge... just a few days until I can share it.  Until then, I'll just mention that today ended with conversation concerning life and death.  And that I enjoy this (this = this.  All of this.  Everything, and so forth,) so very much that I just couldn't bear leaving it so easily.  I mean, I enjoy "it" sooo much that I feel like I'm privy to something secret.  How did I get so lucky as to know how special this is?

Here we go, Day 251: https://ia600308.us.archive.org/19/items/Improv42112/20120421141000.mp3

Opportunity.

Many times, when I get ready to begin my improv of the day, I think to myself what an opportunity it is to create something new and special.

So often, I'm not happy with the whole result, or there are many things that I would do differently... but it doesn't change the fact that I had a chance to shoot for an ideal.  And for the most part, things do not go so horribly wrong.

Kind of neat, right?  That every time we step into the world, we have something like that.

Here we go, Day 250: https://ia600302.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv42012/20120420142341.mp3

Hide-and-go-seek.

What are we really trying to accomplish here?

Every time I step outside of my door, I begin a new game of hide-and-go-seek.  I'm usually the seeker.  I'm looking for something different; for groceries; for something that I once knew, but lost somewhere along the line; for something that I didn't lose, but I can only get out there; for answers; for delight; for catalysts; for reasons; for questions.

There's always a sense of adventure, being the seeker... of forcing oneself to look into scary or secret places to win the game.  But then there's the fun of being the hider.  And I like that, too.  The anticipation of being discovered... is... exciting.  *see aside below. 

Here we go, Day 249: https://ia800308.us.archive.org/35/items/Improv41912/20120419144122.mp3


*Playing hide-and-seek-in-the-dark with my Dad is, to this day, the height of anxiety.  You see, once game play begins, he becomes the actual Boogie Man.  He senses the perfect timing of allowing his victims to feel at ease before unleashing a grotesquely loud, mind-engulfing RAWR, which doesn't seem all that bad here in Blogland, but if you could experience it as a small child, you would understand the full gravity of this art.  Last time we played, my Dad hid, and I was teamed up with my little 4-year-old niece.  Knowing there were few places left to inspect, and relying on her naivety, I said, "You go check in the bathroom... go on."  It was quiet.  Too quiet.  She squeezed my hand, and said, "I'm scared, Auntie Maew."  I squeezed back, and with complete, thirty-year-old sincerity, whispered, "Me, too."  And then I started giggling crazily and uncontrollably, under the pressure of my nervousness, and the ridiculousness that it was just my Dad hiding.  My sister could verify the scariness of this situation with a bevy of anecdotal evidence.

Bestiness.

Ugh!  I hate it when websites, facebook, and so forth change their formats!!  I know... not a big deal, but really, I do get used to things and I like the familiarity of logging on to my blog to write a new post.  Today?  Totally different.  I know I'll get used to it, but it doesn't make me like it.

Anyway, it's a mixed blessing when one of my best friends comes into town... and even doubly mixed when he has brother and parents in tow.  It means that for as many days as they're here, I will forgo many important obligations in lieu of spending time with them.  I'm not complaining... this is more of an explanation for the short post tonight... and the surely short post tomorrow and friday... unless I get to them before I head out.

I hate him as much as I love him.  (I'm sure he'll have a mighty bruise on his bicep tomorrow as proof.  He should know better than to embarrass me in front of people I've just met.)  And that is why he's my best friend.  :)

Here we go, Day 248: https://ia800304.us.archive.org/27/items/Improv41812/20120418215147.mp3