Let go.

A bit of indirect advice that I plucked from a story a friend told... she had said to her then boyfriend, now husband, "Why are you waiting to be unhappy?"  (The circumstances are not really mine to share in this post, so I won't go into it, but rest assured that they are in fact ridiculously happy.)  I relayed the same question to my good friend tonight, who was very much in need of the challenge.  The point was that we worry ourselves to death, and hold back, and take decisions all based on a hypothetical "what if...?" when the good life is right there in front of us for the taking.  And we're all weighed down with this baggage, from our own experiences and the experiences of those around us, that is often irrelevant to the present.  We forget that outcomes are variable.  That yes, consequences could be dire, but on the other hand, could lead to unimaginable, free bliss.  (I'm trying to think of a word that's even stronger than bliss, but I can't think of one... I guess you get the point.)

It all boils down to vulnerability... which was an important element of my very first blog post.  Overcoming fear of vulnerability was high on my list of priorities (a necessity, even) as I started this whole thing, and now that it has begun to melt away, I can see how I might be able to relate the process to life, and not just music-making.  And as hard as it is to let that go, pride be my enemy, I'm excited that I might be able to do it.  Little by little, yes, but freedom, knowledge, and understanding wait on the other side.

Here we go, Day 306: https://ia700800.us.archive.org/18/items/Improv61512/20120615175224.mp3

Through the mists.

Humidity is my nemesis.  It's always been the most difficult condition for me to practice in... even worse than an unheated room on a cold winter day.  Somehow, the heavy, thick atmosphere seeps into my head, and makes everything swim, causing chaos and confusion.  So my practicing has suffered lately, and so have my improvs.   And my piano... my piano is all out of tune.

Here we go, Day 304: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/24/items/Improv61312/20120613212902.mp3

As a teacher.

Watching one's own piano students as they progress year after year is pretty amazing.  You get to see the actual fruits of your labor.  Some of my students I've had for several years since they first began.  And to realize that everything they can now do on the instrument is because of what I've shown them is astounding to me.  That combination of the physical, emotional, intellectual, and creative is weird if you think about it.  And fascinating.  And that a person, a child, could achieve that is amazing.  Cliche as it might sound, teaching really is rewarding.

Here we go, Day 303: https://ia600304.us.archive.org/23/items/Improv61212/20120612203012.mp3

Trust.

Human emotion is so variable and volatile.  Knowing how my own has changed and evolved puts bits of fear into me, because in many ways, it's undependable, inconsistent, and irrational.  It's difficult to trust something that was once so different a year ago than it is today.

But I also like that.  I like that as pragmatic as I might be, I'm not immune to any part of the emotional spectrum.  And I like that I feel hurt or happy.  I find it all so beautiful.

Maybe a strange topic of conversation, but it popped up in my mind when I sat down to write....

Here we go, Day 302: https://ia800501.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv61112/20120611203615.mp3

Beach.

Ahhh, the beach.  I never knew what I was missing, growing up in a land far, far away from an ocean of any type.  Lakes are great, but there's no comparison to the salt water and strength of the ocean waves.  Today we even saw some dolphins jumping off the shore.  One summer in Spain, I spent nearly every day, save a couple, at the beach.  It never dulled.  For as long as I live, I don't think I'll ever tire of days like these.

Here we go, Day 301: https://ia600809.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv61012/20120610122459.mp3

300.

A moment of thanks for knowing what I wanted out of life long ago.  And feeling that what I wanted is what I still want.  And realizing that it's a good goal.  To live well and fully.  And to feel without fear.

So day 300 happens, and it happens on a day that belongs to one of my dearest, best friends.  Hence, an altered improv... but maybe the best or worst of all.  Who knows, and who cares?  It's an honest assessment of today.

Here we go, Day 300: https://ia600707.us.archive.org/20/items/Improv6912/20120609212916.mp3

Daydreams.

Do you remember when you were young, and sunny days prevailed as the end of school drew near?  There was always a restlessness to jump out of one's skin, and run into grassy fields, finally released from the shackles of homework and tests.  Visions of catching pet toads, and bike rides; sidewalk chalk, and picnics.  Those were all daydreams soon to be realized.

And now, I find myself on the other end of that time capsule.  It's nearly impossible to beg focus from a kid this time of year.  Can't say I blame 'em... I've got that restlessness, too.

After a moment or two of "where am I?" the improv turned into a study of seconds.

Here we go, Day 299: https://ia600301.us.archive.org/27/items/Improv6812/20120608214107.mp3

Patient jazz.

I had an "Oh, sh*t." moment today, when I realized how much music (and the difficulty of said music) I have to prepare in the next month or so for some upcoming concerts.  I'm just glad I have a month.  That being said, my jazz practicing has fallen to the wayside, as I've bustled my way into anal retentive, insecure, classical musician mode.  Apologies to my ever-patient jazz teacher.

Here we go, Day 298: https://ia601408.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv6712/20120607192228.mp3

Query.

I know how I would answer this question for myself, but I wonder how you would answer it:

Have you noticed an evolution in these improvs?  And if so, in what way? 

I'm almost at ten months.  I can honestly say that I'm a different person since I began this thing.  (Not entirely, obviously... but I've definitely gone to places previously untraveled.)

On another topic, I'm really grateful for my many influences.  I'm fortunate to have been exposed to world music from the farthest regions one could imagine, as well as the most archaic music, and absurd music; strange music, and traditional music; classical of course, and jazz; bad music, and extraordinary masterpieces.  Maybe at times, it's been distracting, or misleading, but I'm still pretty happy that I've got the background to draw from.

Sorry... a little fragmented with the writing tonight, and for the last several nights, I'm afraid....  Well, the improv is also a bit fragmented, but there were moments I really liked in there, despite some initial trepidation as I sat down to play.

Here we go, Day 297: https://ia600706.us.archive.org/28/items/Improv6612/20120606213021.mp3

*cough*

Lots of one-offs these past couple of weeks.  Pardon the coughing.  I have a cold.  But improvisation must go on!

Today's improv seems to quantify what I feel things have been adding up to since August 15.  I started all those days ago with an insecurity that I didn't have the tools to improvise.  Then, somehow, my language started to grab hold here and there, drawing from different influences, but namely classical traditions.  Sometimes the grabs were pretty abstract... other times acutely clear.  Often, my impressions were hazy, but I feel like they are coming together all on their own.

So many times I've tried to force things into place, but when I let them do what they're going to do, I get something different and even more special than I could've ever imagined.

Here we go, Day 294: https://ia800308.us.archive.org/16/items/Improv6312/20120603194823.mp3

It's happening.

For the past month, all the talk has been about Nuno and Jaimie's wedding.  That was, actually, just how long it's been since their engagement.  And now, so suddenly, our two little ones are married and on their new journey together.  What a beautiful day for them, and for my New York family to be all that much closer.  It's pretty wonderful.

And still, the improvs continue to happen, and I'm reminded that they occur so spontaneously at every moment.  And mixed with the mundane, the unexpected and spectacular.

Here we go, Day 293: https://ia600808.us.archive.org/7/items/Improv6212/20120602145045.mp3

Off the record.

Could you believe that by day 292, I've only ever improvised maybe once or twice without recording it?  Seriously!  But today, after I finished my "official" improvs, I continued to play a little longer, with a spare ten minutes.

Why is it, that after getting comfortable on the record for nearly 10 months, I find myself doing such more interesting twists and turns, nuances and expressions, when I'm not recording?  It was almost like I had stopped sucking in my belly, and a big sigh left my body.  I started to use different patterns, shapes, and variations that I never used in previous improvs.  I almost felt like a totally different pianist.  And the switch was remarkable... I could never improvise like that before.  Now the question is, how do I get myself to do that with the mic on?

Here we go, Day 292: https://ia600500.us.archive.org/2/items/Improv6112/20120601214256.mp3

Time.

Time -- its many paths, its temporariness, its movement, its stillness, its erasure (or non-existence of), its forgiveness, its many windows -- has been a common theme in this blog, and I often bewilder myself if I think about it too much. 

It seems that, because of time, only one little thing needs to happen to catalyze an entire chain of reactions.  Although I have plans, I think it's important to realize that whatever I thought I was going to do tomorrow could change in an instant.  In fact, there are things I'm doing in this very moment that I didn't dream of a month ago.  And all it took was a little snap!  

 And with every passing second, new existence.

So even when I make an improv that I really loathe, I still think, "I did that.  It didn't exist before, but now it does.  Because of me."

That wasn't supposed to sound as self-important as it may have come off, but if you think about all the things you do and have made, or the ways that you've impacted other people... kind of puts things into a different perspective.

Here we go, Day 291: https://ia700405.us.archive.org/3/items/Improv53112/20120531213033.mp3

Blessings.

After days of heat and heavy humidity, the heavens pour out their tears onto us in a giant, heaving catharsis.

The first and only thunder clap triggered the downpour, and scared my little cat with its sudden and piercing crash.  I had to calm her with soft words and reassuring caresses.  The other one, more dumb to her environment, continued to crunch on pebbles of cat food without a wit of alarm.

After a flood of activity, concerts, social gatherings, and house guests, I now have a moment to myself to really absorb my many blessings.  It's no wonder that I find myself on the verge of a cold... it's a lot to take in, when so much of what's important finds itself culminating in the span of a few weeks. 

Here we go, Day 289: https://ia802703.us.archive.org/7/items/Improv52912/20120529185426.mp3